It’s been awhile since we chatted. About two years, to be exact. I have had everything to say, but the words flew by like a tornado. It was hard to capture the experience while in it. Oh, but how we remember every detail when it’s over.
Writing again is like testing a wound that hasn’t quite healed. Or maybe sometimes it’s like that gentle touch my daughter gave her nail polish this afternoon to see if it was dry yet. It’s a testing…. a catharsis, but still….
I’m here. And the words are coming.
Worship Him with wild abandon.
Did you ever wonder about the people behind great quotes?
Marianne Williamson wrote “Our Greatest Fear”.
Freidrich Nietzsche wrote “The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently. ” and “What is the seal of liberation? — No longer being ashamed in front of oneself.” Nietzsche also made Pindar‘s words famous “Become who you are”.
The quote “Worship Him with wild abandon” is hung on our worship team wall. It suprised me the first time I saw it and continues to give me courage to let go and …. just…. worship.
Sometimes it’s the simplest stuff that eludes us. We wonder “why didn’t I think of that?”. Sometimes when groups of nice people get together, we tell stories about ourselves, our families, our lives, our choices, and what we said to others as a way to define ourselves. We can get so anxious about showing proof about how great or strong we are that we start to become someone different altogether. Someone who tries too hard. Someone who lives on our tippie toes straining to keep our chin above the water of acceptability.
Here are some things I struggle with and I’ll admit them to you with my feet flat on the floor and my chin in its proper place:
I think other families have more fun than we do.
Sometimes when I get nervous and am vulnerable, I stammer and all my words run together.
I make light of it, but sometimes I feel really awkward in small groups and in one on one conversations. So I either say nothing or talk too much.
These are things I know about myself and have given to the Lord. He will either fix them or leave them for His glory.
Here’s how I thought parenthood would be:
Here’s how it actually is:
Here’s how I thought I would look working out after kids:
Here’s the real deal:
Just thought you should know.
This is the way I want my life to look. Financially secure enough to spend my day in a quiet garden – both flower and vegetable. On days like today when I feel kinda overwhelmed with life, work, family and find myself contemplating what an entire day to myself might feel like, I dream of gardening.
I share this with you because I think many of us really want a simpler life. We want to get up, go to one job that pays enough to pay the bills and save a little for a rainy day, enjoy our family, get enough sleep, and wake refreshed while the dew is still on the grass.
That’s not what my life looks like. That probably isn’t what your life looks like. I haven’t put my finger on it, but I think it has something to do with accumulating “things”, which is what many of us call “planning for the future”. New(er) car, new(er) house, clothes, toys, … you know…. stuff.
What are we working for? What is the purpose? Is it to provide or to get more?
You know, I was working on my laptop last night after the kids went to bed and found myself frustrated at our 6 yr old because she kept getting out of bed to ask me “just one more question, Mommy”. I wasn’t frustrated because she disobeyed me and got out of bed – I was frustrated because I was exhausted and had to get a project finished last night for work that was due today.
I would lay down my life for my family, so why do I get irritated when they keep me from working?
In moments like that, a red flag waves in my head as I look at our sweet little girl’s face and I tell myself “work can wait.” The laptop went on the floor and she snuggled up in my lap before going to bed. A few minutes after she went to to bed, Little Man came in and needed another hug. Laptop went on the floor for the night and we snuggled until I went to bed.
Maybe it’s because I’m staring 40 in the face. Maybe it’s because our kids are old enough that I don’t feel like a walking zombie any more and actually have some time to think. Whatever it is, I am giving serious thought to reducing the amount of stuff in my life to make room for the one thing I crave: Simplicity.
You know those people who can wear anything and look good? Or, they have that deadpan sense of humor and no one quite knows whether to laugh until other cool people start laughing? Yeah, that.
As a mom peering down the road into the future (read: Junior High lunchroom drama) How do cool people GET cool? Do their parents do a fabulous job of instilling confidence? Are their parents in posession of the X Factor and pass it down from generation to generation? Or, are cool people just born that way?
Here are some things I have observed about cool people:
- There can be various stages of cool and geek within one family.
- Geeky parents typically have geeky kids.
- Cool kids typically have at least one cool parent.
- Typically there is at least one geeky sibling. Families with all cool kids are a mystery. To me.
- Coolness has a lot to do with self confidence.
- Cool people typically have their own brand: of humor, of dress, of life, of hobbies, of interests.
What do you think?
As our little guy would say, "Yep, it is."
It’s been 6 months since Dad died and I still get a lump in my throat when I see his picture or something that so strongly reminds me of him. His handwriting makes me want to cry. I feel like the last few months have been a total blur and I need to get it together. Did we have Halloween? Thanksgiving? First day of Kindergarten? Yeah… I guess we must have. It seems like they all happened 10 years ago instead of just a few months ago.
Our business is growing leaps and bounds and I’m trying to keep a cleaner house and be a better parent. I feel like a mother hen gathering all her chicks up close so everybody and everything can be safe. I don’t sleep well. Without makeup (which I have recently started wearing) I’m repeatedly asked if I’m sick.
Tomorrow, I will feel better. Maybe even later today. Right now, I realize how much I missed talking with you and am so glad you hung in there. Thank you.
One day, I will write something beautiful and meaningful about my Dad’s passing. Right now, the feelings are so raw I wouldn’t be able to finish it. Here’s what I can tell you. He knew it was his time and was at peace with it. He whispered “I love you” to me twice, kissed me on the cheek and then within 1-2 minutes his heart stopped. I miss him beyond words.